Becoming our mothers

5 Dec

I have always strived to not be my mother. Don’t we all? And, maybe I am not becoming my mother, but I am certainly seeing her in a different light than I have ever viewed her. Our relationship has changed from always being a chess match to actually speaking beyond perfunctory statements. This fall I went back to spend a week with her, just because – just because I see her feeling alone. Perhaps it is because I feel alone. Her house has always been an amazing collage of art and antiques and things stuffed in every corner of every room. I always felt nervous with my kids visiting. Today she commented that perhaps she tried to fill the void of all 4 of her kids being gone. It was a statement I could totally relate too. I haven’t tried to fill my home, but I am trying to fill my life and my heart where a giant void resides. Hearing her say she felt lost after we all left was surprising. Especially myself – we had a very contentious relationship – sure most teen girls do, but it never really improved. And, while we are still very different personalities, there is an appreciation for each other that never existed. I feel fortunate she has lived for so long – so healthy. How many others never see the circle close. She said she enjoys my visits, we are laughing when we are together. We are seeing a side of each other we hadn’t. I don’t want to fill my void with accessories and more things to dust. I don’t want to be owned by my house. Perhaps we felt the same sense of loss, but I am striving to find my own path to fill my life.

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